


Satan and Spice and Everything Nice

by SunnyRadiance



Category: Satan and Me (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Baristas, Don't Judge Me, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Joke Fic, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Swearing, We all love satan, coffee shop AU trash, its an X reader deal with it, maybe a lil bit kinky, okay maybe a lot i don't know i'll see, seriously this fic is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-11 15:16:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8994847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunnyRadiance/pseuds/SunnyRadiance
Summary: This is a joke ficAKA I'm toxic and this monstrosity was made because of a stupid memeEnjoy, likewise.PS: Thanks for all the kudos and the hits, anons. Don't worry, I'd be embarrassed to read/like this shit with my own account too :^)





	1. Medium Caramel Macchiato

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rora/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Satan and Me](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/250282) by Orangeplum. 



> This chapter is SUPER fucking long warning you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A start to this coffee shop adventure, you order a medium caramel macchiato. Lucifer remembers your order again, which you find strange.

You walk into Stan’s ‘Spressos on a sunny day and plunk down at your usual booth right in the middle. Stoners sat in the back with the rowdy teenagers from your class, right across from the ‘not like the other girls’ types who sat two rows away from the back to be edgy and usually got wadded up straw wrappers thrown in their dyed-way-too-many-times hair. They were a crew of chatty, dull girls who mostly sat in the front to watch the baristas who were all attractive.

Most of them were there for Lucifer, the one you always had serving you. Raphael was Lucifer’s brother and often fiddled with the posters and signs to make them more appealing while mixing drinks on the side. Gabriel, the owner of the coffee shop was the other main barista and also handled taking care of bills and whatnot. He always seemed calm and docile, but not really your type. It had been his idea to choose a nicer name for the place than ‘Lucifer’s Lattes’, which had obviously been thought up by the large man who was currently placing your medium caramel macchiato and a brownie on the table before you. 

“That’ll be $6.78,” he told you, as usual. 

You already had your money ready and handed it to him along with the tip, “Thank you.”

Satisfied with the transaction, Lucifer nodded and made his way back to the bar. It was like this every day. Being that you didn’t spend much money on makeup and clothes, you always had extra cash your mother gave you for the mall when all you really needed was a new pair of shoes. She always insisted you get a snack after school and you ended up at Stan’s pretty much every day. You’d tried pretty much everything on the menu already and stuck to a few different drinks that were your favorite. Lucifer knew exactly how to make them. Since you’d been getting the same three drinks after school for a month, he knew exactly what you’d ask for in them. Somehow, out of all the orders he took he remembered yours. 

Sipping your drink and trying to wrack your brain to get answers to your algebra homework while eyeing Lucifer in your peripherals, you wondered why he always got your order right and managed to put so much work into them. Maybe it was because you didn’t ask for substitutions and changes like most of the people. You didn’t care for soy or strawberry syrup or whatever the hell some of the girls who came to the café put in their coffee. Shrugging it off and getting down to business, you decided to think about it on a day where you didn’t have as much work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter is a little boring. I'm trying to get back into writing again so this fic might be eh. Trying my best. :^)c


	2. Strawberry Swirl Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new manager, Michael, came up with a drink that looks kind of gross (goddamnit the puns) but you feel the need to try it anyway when luck doesn't seem on your side...

“Can I get a Stan’s Strawberry Swirl Special?” you pointed to the drink on the milkshake menu. 

Lucifer sighed, “What size?” He muttered something under his breath about the stupid name of the drink and got out his notepad. This was a new drink on the menu and you felt you had to taste it, as unappealing as it sounded. You’d tried the rest of them after all. The new manager, Michael, had suggested it. 

“Small, please,” you replied, hoping it wouldn’t cause too much trouble to make. 

“You want whipped cream on that?” he looked briefly up from his pad.

“Err… Sure,” you couldn’t resist whipped cream, even if it meant the girls across the room might judge you.

“Y/N, right?” Lucifer asked as he got a sharpie out to right your name on the cup.

“Yep,” you shuffled your feet nervously. Why was it so damn hard to order a drink today? Usually there wasn’t a problem. Maybe it was the way he had his sleeves rolled up since he had been working with the oven and you could see every muscle in his arm ripple as he moved, or maybe it was the smell of his cologne that overtook you. (Tempted to make him wear Old Spice for laughs >:^3) Maybe it had been the way he said your name and looked at you with his golden eyes. Who knew, but you didn’t like the feeling. You thought you weren’t like all those other people who gawked at Lucifer and brothers, like they were just there to rake their lustful eyes over the baristas. You just wanted to relax after school. That was your only reason to be here, simple as that.

Instead of going to your table, you decided to watch Lucifer make the drink for once- Up front, not from the corner of your eye like always. He poured the syrup into the machine and turned the little handle on the milkshake machine. To your horror, the machine malfunctioned and it sprayed milkshake goop all over Lucifer. 

“O-Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” you put your hand over your mouth in horror as Lucifer turned off the machine and Gabriel ran up to help Lucifer clean the mess. The whole café was staring as Lucifer glared furiously at the machine. You slapped a ten dollar bill on the counter and apologized again before grabbing your things and leaving. You didn’t want to bother Lucifer anymore than you already had. From the reflection in the window, you saw him eyeing you from across the café as you left quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, we might as well call him Lucifer because he took the L from that milkshake! (I'm so sorry for this.)  
> I just imagine the look on his face while he's covered in cold, pink, strawberry goop as he glares at Michael for suggesting the drink. Never again lmao


	3. Vanilla Venti

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Is it just me or is it hot in here?' cliche. 'nuff said.

Saturday. 

No one from school came to Stan’s on the weekend and it was usually you and a few other people who sat in the back. After the incident yesterday, you cautiously walked in and swore to never order the Strawberry Swirly Splatter or whatever the hell that drink was again. For Lucifer’s sake, at least, especially since it didn’t seem like your kind of drink anyway. You kept your eyes down as you made your way up to the counter. Lucifer was drumming his fingers on the counter and he looked down at you with a certain look on his face you couldn’t quite read. He passed a ten dollar bill over the counter towards you, it had a pink stain on the corner and you frowned.

“I believe this is yours,” he spoke slowly as if reading your reactions.

“N-No, it’s fine, keep it. I’m incredibly sorry for the trouble,” you pushed it back towards him. 

“I can’t accept this kind of money, especially since you didn’t get your drink. Besides, the machine’s fixed anyway. My idiot brother plugged it in wrong or something,” he looked over at Michael the manager with a stern gaze. The other man didn’t see him, luckily.

“He’s your brother too?” you peeped.

“Yeah, he’s kind of a dumbass though,” Lucifer pushed the dollar bill into your hand which had been resting on the counter. You blushed furiously but took it, not wanted to bother him further. 

“What do you want today?” you were surprised he could keep up the niceties with you, especially after yesterday. He wasn’t known to be the most joyful guy ever, especially since he could usually be seen trying to argue with his brothers in the background. What was it with him being nice?!

“A vanilla bean venti latte please,” you finally met his gaze and admired his face. His jaw was strong and sharp; you urged to graze your fingers over it. You glanced behind him and saw his bag in the corner next to the machine. A bottle of Old Spice peaked out and a little smirk appeared on your face that he didn’t see. A few minutes later he leaned over and pushed your drink towards you. The smell of Old Spice mingled with coffee wafted off of him and you took your drink. 

“Is the heat too much for you in here? Your face is all flushed,” he noted. The central heating system was working hard on the snowy day, but you knew that wasn’t why your cheeks were red.

“Nope! I’m fine!” you told him quickly, tearing your eyes away and paying for your drink. You managed to get back to your seat and your textbook before he could question you further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far the most cliche fanfiction I have ever written I' M so SOr ry


	4. Cinnamon Cappuccino

It was 8:30pm. You were walking home from dinner at a friend’s on two weeks later on a cold March day, the wind was cold and the night was dark. Nothing could have cheered you up more than a coffee, and Stan’s was still open. You texted your mother to let her know you were going to be stopping for a drink on your way home and pushed open the door to the small café. Lucifer looked up from one of the tables he was sitting at and put down the straw he was fiddling with. You raised your hand in a wave and he nodded to you, getting up.

“It’s fine, I’m not quite ready to order. You don’t have to get up yet,” you remarked and hung up your coat on the rack that stood by the front entrance. Lucifer sat back down and used his foot to push out a chair at the same table he was seated at. You thanked him and sat down, still shivering from the cold. It didn’t help that you had been in a nice outfit which included a short dress, stockings, and a pair of nice heeled boots. To be quite blunt, your butt was freezing and you were glad to sit down. 

“What’re you doing out in weather like that?” he studied you from across the table as your rubbed your hands together to try to bring some warmth into your fingers.

“I was at a party, it started snowing so I left before it got really bad,” you replied. 

“You didn’t bring gloves?” he raised his eyebrows questioningly. 

“No, I left them in my mom’s car by accident…” You decided to get a drink to wrap your hands around to warm them up. Lucifer reached forward and grabbed your hands in his, helping you rub them.

“You should be more careful if you don’t want to get frostbite,” Lucifer scolded. You blushed as his warm touch sent a new kind of shiver flooding through you. As he rubbed warmth back into your fingers, you let out a pleasant sigh and relaxed; closing your eyes. Something in the air made you feel like you were going to melt under his touch; and you were all too willing to let him hold your hands for longer. 

“What’s it gonna be today?” Lucifer let go of your hands after they were warm.

“Medium cinnamon dark roast cappuccino, please,” you murmured, opening your eyes to see him getting up again to go fix your drink. You hated seeing him leave the table, but boy was it fun to watch him go. He was really hot; you had to admit it to yourself. People didn’t gawk at Lucifer for nothing. With the special moment you shared with him just now still in your mind, you hoped maybe you had a shot with him.


	5. Iced Chocolate Frappuccino

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a quiet Saturday night and a perfect Saturday for... SECRETS!

You sipped your iced chocolate frappuccino as you bothered Lucifer about the stains on his apron.

“You ought to let me wash it for you! It’s so dirty!” you joked. It had been a couple of weeks and April was on its way in. You and Lucifer had been talking more at the café, and it made some of the other female customers jealous. None of them ever acted on their gossiping, which was good. For the most part, you didn’t care. The school year was going to come to an end soon anyway, and you were pretty much dating the hottest barista at Stan’s. You just hadn’t really… Asked him. You talked frequently and he’d even walked you home last night after staying late at the café. 

Lucifer stuck out his tongue, “I’ll wash it when I feel like it, Y/N. Stop ragging on me.” It was a quiet Saturday evening and your mother was out of town on a business trip. You offered to take care of the house, being an only child, so you could take all the time you wanted talking with Lucifer tonight. A draft blew in from the back of the store as Raphael left silently; his shifts ended at 7pm. Lucifer usually ran the café during the late shift alone. 

You shivered at the air, “It’s still cold out!” 

Lucifer laughed, “Then why’re you sipping an iced drink, kid?” You crossed your arms and stuck your tongue out at him, returning the favor. “I can smell that chocolate from over here, you really do drink anything on the menu,” he joked, “Come sit with me if you’re so cold, you’re such a baby.” You flicked him on the cheek and sat down on his lap. You were in one of the booths today so it was comfy. Lucifer trailed a hand through your hair, “I’m closing early today. Nobody’s gonna show up between now and 8:30 anyway.” He picked you up and you yelped as he walked over to go turn the ‘We are Open!’ sign on the door to closed. 

“Now what’re we gonna do?” you whined as he brought you back to the booth. You finished the rest of your drink and looked up at Lucifer. You could feel his heart beating in his thick chest and you loved having his strong arms wrapped around you. Who wouldn’t? He was hot as hell, no pun intended.   
Lucifer trailed his fingers down from your hair to your shoulder and down your side; he looked down at you hungrily. 

“I could tell you my secret…” he trailed off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please end me this is the slowest burn I have ever written


	6. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer tells you his -obvious- secret.

After shutting all the curtains on the windows so no one could see into the café, locking up shop, and getting back to their both, Lucifer was ready. He sat across from you and folded his hands.

“Have you ever wondered why my name is so…Unique?” he eyed you closely.

“Sometimes, yeah… I mean it is the devil’s name, but I didn’t want to be rude about asking…” you replied.

“Well, you don’t get scared easily, do you?” he questioned.

“No.”

“And you wouldn’t tell anyone my secret, would you now?” his gaze bore into you deeper.

“No.”

Lucifer sighed, “Alright then, do you really want to know?”

“Yes,” you were getting antsy with all this hesitation. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be that bad, could it? You didn’t think Lucifer would ever hurt you. After all, you were dating… Sort of. You hadn’t had the guts to actually make a move on him, but you had flirted with him more often lately. Watching him blush at your little remarks was fun, especially since he was always such a tough guy. You hoped maybe he was blushing out of feelings for you, not just embarrassment. Thinking about it, you thought he’d have told you to stop by now if he didn’t like the way you addressed things. Maybe he was just shy or something? 

Lucifer’s body began to change then. Two yellow horns sprouted from his head and his ears grew longer. He undid his apron and the buttons on his shirt, pulling them both off to reveal some intricate red tattoos. 

“I am the devil, Y/N,” he smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so short :>


	7. So it's Official?

You were shocked to say the least. Very. You even screamed a little. I mean, here was the literal devil standing before you.

“A-Are you going to eat my soul?” you backed yourself against the booth. So much for not being scared.

Lucifer snorted, “Of course not. I thought you weren’t a scaredy cat. I don’t have any interest in your soul; you barely sin enough for it to be tasty.” 

He sounded sarcastic, and you wondered if it was true. The look on his face when he saw your reaction told you some of it must have been a lie. He stuck out his forked tongue. 

“…So you’re the devil,” you looked him up and down. You weren’t going to lie to yourself, as this was the first time seeing him shirtless, you weren’t disappointed. He had sculpted abs, almost like someone had carved him out of some kind of marble into a statue. You wanted to run your fingers over all of those groves and muscles, even if he was supposed to be the epitome of evil and damnation. 

“Yep,” he leaned back, still smirking at your reaction. You didn’t really know what to say, but you got up to inspect him anyway. He let you trace one of his tattoos with your finger and you poked one of his horns. He looked up at you quizzically, “Like what you see, Y/N?” 

You blushed furiously, “O-Of course! You aren’t going to hurt me so I don’t think much changes. You’re still you and you’re v-very uh…Endowed.” You could barely find the right words to describe him, but he laughed and seemed satisfied. He reached up and pulled you into his lap. 

“You are terrible at hiding crushes, you know that?” Lucifer ran his hand up your arm and you squeaked, “Is it that bad?!”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” then he ran his hand up to your neck and leaned in to plant a kiss on your lips. You were still in shock at this moment, but decided to take this beautiful opportunity to your advantage and kissed back with all you had. Running your hands up his chest you felt his warm skin and tasted his soft lips. Getting your longtime wish, you grazed the fingers on your right hand over that sexy jawline of his and he made a small noise into the kiss. Once you broke apart, you were both smiling. 

“So it’s official then?” you murmured.

"Oh yeah. And I'm going to get one of those chocolate frap things sometime, they taste pretty good," he leaned in again and gave you another kiss.


	8. The Spicy Chapter (M)

“I’m bored, Lucifer!” you complained on a boring Sunday night in June. Tomorrow was the last day of school, and you were excited to finally be able to sleep in. Exams were over and the teachers really didn’t have much more work for you, but your friends were all busy at parties you hadn’t cared to attend. Most people were going to skip school the next day, and you had thought about it yourself but you hadn’t wanted to skip it because you were out getting drunk.

Lucifer had been putting all the chairs up on the tables and closing up for the night, he turned the café’s door sign over and made his way over to you.  
“You want to do something then? I have an idea,” there was a glint in his eye as he spoke and you couldn’t tell exactly what he was implying.

“What’s your idea…?” you looked up at him, studying his face as you leaned against the counter. Lucifer pulled you into a kiss and pushed you farther into the bar. It was deep and passionate and you enjoyed the taste of him on your lips. Things got steamier and he slowly pushed his tongue inside of your mouth, working his way around to taste all of you. He went back to his natural form and you could see his horns were gleaming yellow. Even as you enjoyed it, you worried someone would see since he hadn’t closed the curtains.  
“Lucifer, the curtains…” you whispered as he broke the kiss. 

Lucifer snapped his fingers and they closed instantly, “Don’t worry, no one’ll see.” 

“What’s your ide-

He kissed you again running one hand down your back and the other he used to unbutton his shirt. You could see where this was leading and you were giddy at the idea, helping him remove his shirt. It was a good thing Stan’s was locked up for the night and the other boys weren’t there. It would be incredibly embarrassing to have Michael walk in at this moment.  
“Do you want to…?” he asked after the kiss was broken. 

“Yes,” you replied in coarse whisper as your fingers grazed his back muscles. Lucifer kissed you again and you felt him grind his hips closer into yours. Soon you felt him tugging at the hem of your t-shirt and you let him pull it off, revealing a plain bra you’d throw on last minute. 

After hungrily eyeing you he placed hot kisses on your jawline and neck, trailing them down to your collar bones before he whispered, “Take it all off. I want to see you.”  
As you carefully removed your clothes, you quickly covered yourself with your arms. He had finished removing his pants and took your arms off of yourself. 

“You don’t need to hide, Y/N. You’re fine,” he stuck his tongue out before lifting you up and sitting you on the counter.

“A-Are we going to do this here?! Not even in one of the booths?!” you squeaked.

“Does it really bother you that much?” Lucifer asked.

“…No,” in all honesty you hadn’t wanted him to think you were weird, but thinking about it you didn’t really care. All that mattered was that you were going to get some hot loving from the ever so sexy devil you called your boyfriend, right?

“That’s what I like to hear,” Lucifer leaned in and kissed below your collar bone, reaching up and kneading your breasts as he tasted your skin. You pressed the back of your hand over your mouth as your chest rose and fell with every kiss. Your breathing was becoming quickened as he worked his way over you. He teased your nipples and licked them which only made you more aroused. Lucifer then pressed kisses into your tummy and freed one of your breasts to reach his hand down between your legs. You moaned and opened them further to give him more of an advantage as he stroked your folds, only increasing your moans. 

As you both got more passionate, Lucifer slipped a couple of fingers into you and used his other hand to tug down his boxers and pleasure himself. You had stopped trying to contain your erotic sounds and pushed your fingers through his soft black hair giving it an occasional tug. Lucifer began to emit little grunts as he worked his hand over his cock and sucked your clit while he pushed his fingers deeper into you. 

“L-Lucifer, I’m going to cum… Please…” you moaned. 

He stood up, “You got a condom on you?” You nodded; you always kept a couple in your purse just in case you ever needed one. It was a good idea, even if you weren’t really sexually active. You handed one up to him and he carefully opened the packet as to not rip it before he took out the condom and rolled it onto his cock.  
“You ready?” he asked, rubbing his length over your wet folds. 

“Yes~” you leaned back and sighed, your gaze fixed on his body. You felt like the luckiest person alive to have a partner as attractive and good to you as Lucifer. He could definitely be annoying and he acted like a hardass all the time, but you could see right through him. Lucifer entered you and let out a stuttered groan as his dick pulsed inside of you. Lucifer waited for you to adjust to his size and you told him he could move. 

At first, it was nothing remarkable and overall felt…Weird. Lucifer seemed to notice and reached down to rub your clit again. This made you unleash a string of swear words and he leaned down to whisper all sorts of naughty things in your ear as his thrusts increased speed. His free hand gripped your hip and his groans became louder and louder as he approached climax.

“Please, Lucifer! Right there! Fuck me just like that, oh~” you could barely control all the naughty words escaping your lips as he slammed into you. You could hear every wet noise and felt your orgasm approach. He sped up and came a few seconds before you went over the edge yourself. 

“Oh FUCK! Lucifer! Shit oh gosh!” you moaned and bucked your hips up into his, digging your nails down his back as the waves of pleasure coursed through your body. Lucifer was swearing like a sailor as he let himself go inside of you. 

In just a few seconds, the pleasure was over and you both caught your breath. He pulled himself out of you and you closed your eyes, enjoying every last moment of your shared experience. 

Later that night, Lucifer drove you home around 9:40pm. As you were about to get out, you gave him a peck on the cheek.  
“Thanks for tonight, Luce,” you tried out a nickname.

“No problem. Just expect me to fuck you on that countertop so many more times,” he smirked and kissed you back. You walked up to your porch after shutting his door a new girl.

You weren’t just the one ordering coffee every day anymore, and that definitely made you feel special. It was a new confidence you knew you’d be sporting for awhile.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it! This is probably the worst of my fics and it's a weird x reader but eh I tried. It was fun to get back into writing regardless, and I hope you guys enjoyed it!


End file.
